So I Made a Mistake, It's OK! Not Quite Ready for Change.

I haven't expressed any of my thoughts in this blog for awhile.  I was distracted from my outlet and focusing on relational matters instead, or so I thought.  Now that I am reflecting upon it, I walked right into that cycle of FALSE PLEASURE that always seemed to trap me, once again!

I went against my instincts, who knew better than to follow these negative patterns that I have been working hard over the years to expel.

Have you ever done something you knew, YOU JUST KNEW WASN'T SERVING YOU?

You knew it was wrong, but you did it anyway because that's the CONDITIONED HABITS/ PATTERNS that are FAMILIAR to you.  Even when it comes with a price, we give in because we are TOO SCARED to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND WALK AWAY.

I admit it, I made a mistake.  I was internalizing this mistake for a long time and I still wanted to continue believing I could have it all.

REALITY IS: IF YOU ARE NOT READY FOR CHANGE, THEN YOU ARE NOT READY FOR CHANGE.  PERIOD.

You have got to want change in order for you to make these seemingly difficult decisions at the moment it arises.  I wasn't ready.  I WANTED to be ready, but I wasn't ready, in every sense.

I was putting myself through such internal turmoil .... and I was making my life harder than it already is.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  Why do we make life harder by making poor decisions and dwelling on them, or continuing some self-destructive habit?

And we do so because WE ARE NOT READY FOR CHANGE.  THIS SELF-SABOTAGE HAS BECOME PART OF OUR IDENTITY, whether we want it to be or not.

And it will take a lot of work, as with any new skill learned, HOURS AND DEDICATION, DAY AFTER DAY, until patterns break because WE CHOSE TO BREAK THEM.

How do I get good grades in school?  I put the hours in, and it shows.


How will I break these conditioned habits?  

By putting the hours in and being proactive, facing my fears, facing the truth, BEING HONEST AND RAW WITH MYSELF, and working on myself for however long it takes until I no longer want to make the same mistakes over and over again.


I had a HUGE realization that I WASN'T READY FOR CHANGE.  And this is perfectly okay.  Sometimes things will get really messy in order for you to open your eyes and "SEE."

I was completely honest with myself today and I freed myself from so much internal turmoil.

The sun is still shining and it still feels amazing on my skin.  A baby crying so softly on the train while her sister was listening to music and dancing in her seat was the cutest thing.  There's a lot of joy to be experienced, so don't take one lousy experience to override the abundance of joy there is IF YOU ARE RECEPTIVE TO IT. 

:)